I’m going to get polygraphed for fullscope soon and I am terrified because I have OCD.
I previously got CI and it was a mess. I get caught into confession loops that are fueled by a desire to prove that I am a bad person/lying/anxiety/etc. I exhausted my polygrapher to the point where we couldn’t finish when we took the whole time and I’m pretty sure she just passed me because she knew I had an undocumented mental illness. No amount of confessing will ever make the loop close, I feel.
And now my personal hell is reliving itself (and I’m kind of angry my therapist didn’t prepare me for this at all knowing I was eventually gonna go for this) and I am spiraling. I’m am super triggered by the serious crime question making myself believing I am a criminal and fabricating memories. I haven’t slept more than 3 hours the past week. It’s my personal hell. And I also feel like I am going to be exploited for this too because that’s their job…
I remember she kept trying to help me close my loop by changing the wording of the question over…and over…and over..and over. And I know even if they add something like “Besides what your OCD is telling you”, I will still probably not do well because I am sooo convinced it is real.
And I just don’t know what to do. And yes, I know I am having a severe mental breakdown because the stress of this upcoming poly has completely destabilized my OCD. (And I cannot tell you how angry I am that my therapist did nothing to prepare me for this level of destabilization).
What should I do? It’s for an agency this time, not a contractor. So I know I won’t be given a pass just because my data is not clean at all just like last time. My only saving grace is last time was the same messy data, and also I remember she got kinda pissed that I answered yes to the question which she clearly wanted me to answer no to. And also that she probably noted that I had a serious mental breakdown on her multiple times. It was really bad.